As has been the case for almost 5,778 years, Jews around the world continue the tradition of overeating in preparation for a mere 24 hour fast. “I get light-headed, chilly and cranky if I don’t fill up the hump,” said one portly Hebrew man in Borough Park, Brooklyn, referencing either a camel in the desert or his severe case of kyphoscoliosis. As brisket, chicken and potatoes fly off the shelves, gastroenterologists stay open late to accommodate the masses whose routine reflux, diarrhea and IBS symptoms increase to rates seen only around the High Holidays in the Semitic populations. “It’s an opportunity to serve the community as well as increase petty cash with our new cash-only copay policy,” said one GI specialist in Monsey, N.Y. “Oh and the leftovers they bring,” he added while surreptitiously loosening his waist-belt. As mounds of smoked fish and carb-loaded bagels await the fasting throngs at sundown, invariably one person who whined throughout the day about “life-threatening” hunger pangs, pipes up with, “I could’ve gone a few more hours.”
Despite the fact that corporal punishment remains a mainstay of religious educational behavioral modification, the old “ruler across the knuckles” approach is losing steam. With the wooden ruler industry in free-fall, there has been a simultaneous pique of interest in a more “hands-off” approach to school room discipline, especially with the decline of the previously popular priestly “handsy” approach. Enter the chain-saw. Along with whiteboards, laptops and tablets – chainsaws are becoming ever-present in today’s classrooms in religious circles. With no need for actual contact, the roaring sound of one of them is enough to get the attention of a classroom of malcontents and/or ruffians on the verge of mayhem-making. A nun from New York’s Rockland County anonymously said, “Believe me, I get their attention very quickly.” She added, rather sheepishly, “And it vibrates throughout my whole body.” Sounds like a match made in heaven.
Disgraced former congressman and contributor to Hillary Clinton’s doomed Presidential bid, Anthony Weiner quietly masturbated himself in a Manhattan courtroom this week. Witnesses included Human Abedin, his soon-to-be ex-wife, as well as the judge hearing their divorce case. Earlier in the week, lawyers for Weiner wrote to the judge hearing his sexting case that they are seeking probation for their client. His legal team also represents Louis C.K., who is under suspicion for sexual misconduct. Known in the business as an inappropriate serial masturbator, C.K. is under fire from the likes of Tig Notaro and Roseanne Barr for not addressing the rumors swirling around his genitalia. When pressed for comment after the meeting, Weiner referred to the progress he has made in rehab. Sentencing is set for September 25th.
Grappling with the destruction and devastation that Hurricane Irma left in its wake, Floridians in the Keys of the state are shunning the traditional post-storm donations and are asking for Mallomars, Nabisco’s S’mores-oid cookie product. At nearly 100 years of ageism, the Mallomar has not only stood the test of time but has been put to many industrial as well as gastronomic uses. The mainstay of road-repair for decades, the “Mar, as it is known colloquially, has been touted as well for its off-the-charts buoyancy properties making it ideal for uses in raising sunken ships and in structural constructional work-related workings. With food supplies scarce and months of rebuilding ahead, the ‘Mar is the ideal product for such dire circumstances. As supplies are being readied for shipment to the southern portions of the country, the once-idyllic Caribbean Islands, which experienced there own Irma-related damage, sadly mis-requested Oreos.
With Hurricane Irma bearing down on Florida, its residents are doing the same. Panic is setting in – in two key ways. With literally massive evacuations being called for, the state’s flood plains are quickly rising ahead of the cycling weather mass as sewage systems are overwhelmed by the populous’s bowel contents. “I normally don’t go but once a week,” said Edith Dreckler, a proud great-grandmother originally from Brooklyn, “but when the government says go, you go!” She sheepishly admitted to needing “a little push” from some Colace. Up north, families are panic-stricken with the exodus-like return of their elderly and oft-demented relatives who seem to feed at odd intervals. When FEMA officials visited an assisted-living senior facility to help clarify the misunderstanding, Hymen Arkin, a longtime resident, became visibly upset and shouted, “Nazi storms! I’m not leaving!” A pungent aroma emanated from his baggy dungarees leading to an evacuation evacuation sending his facility-mates scampering back to their rooms in disgust. The dejected officials left quickly as well while urging those within earshot to minimize their toilet paper usage and to eat binding foodstuffs.
Feigy Boteach, colloquially known as Mother Nature, waited until after sundown this past Shabbos to release a terse statement regarding her youngest, Hurricane Harvey. “I tried to get away for few days, as is my wont near summer’s end and had to return to this shit!” she exclaimed. “Believe you-me, Harvey has had his issues. Yes, he’s been left alone before if you must know, but this is a shocker. When I was young, oh sure, we made a mess but we cleaned it up! This is not the Harvey I raised.” As the youngest of 9, Harvey, or Chaim (חַיִּים) to his sect, was frequently making mischief with puddling and the like, according to sources. Rumors persist to this day as to Harvey’s paternity given his long white beard and bloated ego.
“I was overcome, actually,” said Seth Lustig, a previously-Jewish man from Monsey, New York, who urgently converted to Catholicism while taking his daughter Chaya to visit a New England-based college. “They are non-demoninational now, as per the information session we attended, but in the chapel, I saw Him and He spoke to me directly, and I knew what I needed to do.” After the conversion was complete, Mr. Lustig enjoyed a bowl of clam chowder and a lobster roll while his daughter looked on in disgust while eating a piece of gefilte fish. When asked to describe his meal, he smiled wryly and uttered, “Heavenly.” He has yet to tell his wife, his parents or her parents.