El Chapo’s Hotshot Legal Team To Be Led by Shemp

Mexico’s most famous drug lord, Joaquìn Archivaldo Guzmán Loera, known as “El Chapo” or “Shorty”, due to his staturelessness, has released a news brief revealing his newly assembled legal team. Atop the leaderboard is Samuel Horwitz known to many as “Shemp Howard” or “Shemp” or, to his mother, as “Sam”. Best known for his role as the third stooge in the spectacularly famous and antically Jewish Three Stooges, Shemp has also continued to have a thriving legal career. “Shorty”, the former head of the Sinaloa drug cartel, is known for his escapes of derring-do as well as for his fine fashion sense (see photo below, left). “Shemp” is known for his improvisational skills and his early-career vaudevillian minstrelsy (see photo below, right).

 

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A legendary legal and comic mind
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El Chapo and his winter line

 

Percussionists’ Mock Maiming Back In Vogue

As the cave paintings at Lascaux clearly delineate, the concept of the “maiming of the drummers”, due to the incessant racket they produced in quieter times, goes back to the prehistorical era. This notion can also be traced to modernity as well, albeit in a less violent fashion, as families with percussion-minded children in tow flee the cities for more space and a basement in an attempt to alienate said drummer and contain the aural pollution they produce. As seen below, modern percussion ensembles, in an act of respect and deference to their roots as well as to the oft ear-plugged audience, ceremonially “offer their heads” in remembrance.

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Drumming is often called “hocking” in Jewish families.

Mister Softee Comes Clean About Hard Times with ED Struggles

In a hastily arranged press conference, Darren Softee, aka Mister Softee, spoke frankly about his penile-erectile dysfunction issues. “The irony of my professional moniker is not lost on me but I’ve always relied on good humor to get me through the difficult times,” said the coned speaker. With the likes of Steve Harvey and Tom Selleck openly discussing the issues they have been with their respective penises, Softee felt compelled to share his story and hopefully destigmatize his perennial flaccidity. “Yes, it’s a bit of, “I’m melting””, a reference to “The Wizard of Oz”‘s the Wicked Witch of the West’s line when doused with water by Dorothy Gale. With the advent of medication and a supportive partner, Softee’s story is a bonafide success.

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Mister Softee hard at work

Inside Look: MTA’s Gestapo Techniques to Lower Ridership

New York’s Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA), under a barrage of criticism and with a list of long-overdue reparations, has taken a page from the Nazi-era playbook. With conductors newly empowered to close doors on unsuspecting riders under Joe Lhota’s stewardship, area emergency department (ED) visits for arm and elbow injuries have skyrocketed. “Fuck that, I’ll walk,” said one arm-slinged former MTA patron who suffered an ulna fracture on the new Second Avenue Q line when doors slammed shut during a particularly frenzied morning rush late last week. “Looked me right in the eye, snickered and shut those motherfuckin’ doors on my arm,” she added referring to the fourth-car conductor that morning. Repeated inquiries made to the MTA have gone repeatedly unanswered. On the subways lines with particularly high Jewish ridership (1, 2, 3, B, C – Broadway, Central Park West (CPW) Upper West Side (UWS)), incoherent overhead announcements with a distinct German lilt blare throughout the day scaring off the mostly elderly subset of riders. “Hits too close to home,” said the aged Sylvia N., refusing to give her full name for fear of reprisal. “Access-A-Ride is terrible,” she added in a thick Hebraic accent, “but at least it doesn’t feel like 1943. I’m waiting for them right now. They’re late. I am never late.”

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Target practice on the Q
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With Nazi-era audio blaring, riders scamper to the safety of ground-level

Prez Clinton’s Penis Gets Jewish Makeover

At the urging of the Jewish side of the family, President Bill Clinton underwent a brit milah (ritual penile circumcision performed by a mohel, a ritual penile circumciser) at the 92nd Street Y this morning. As per custom, invitations were not sent and anyone who wished to attend did so or watched on video screens along Lexington Avenue. Mohel and Cantor Phil Sherman performed the ceremony will adding his usual shtick and left quickly after grabbing a bagel and a somewhat excessive amount of lox (ritual smoked fish, usually highly over-priced). The President is said to be resting comfortably in his Chappaqua home with round-the-clock genitourinary-trained nursing personnel at the ready. Dr. Avi Slong, a urologist in Westchester who was not involved in the procedure, offered, “At this point, an erection can be extremely painful and potentially dangerous, so hopefully he is in a completely non-stimulatory environment. Besides that, I wish him well.” Notable attendees were converted-Jew Ivanka Trump and her natively-Jewish husband Jared Kushner. Off in the corner looking smashing in a blue dress was Monica Lewinsky. “It’s nice to see old friends.”

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President Clinton donning a kippah or yarmulke, the ritual brimless, cloth head-covering, en-route to his penis’ circumcision

Hot Off The Presses!

What a relief! It has finally arrived. Amazon, Barnes y Nobles, Kobo Glo HD and the like. If you have been wondering why I haven’t gotten back to you in a timely fashion, or at all, I am now free to tell but mind you, I have been busting at the seams. The bestseller (pooh pooh pooh) that I have been working on about my Olympic and dancing exploits  is out for your perusal. As most of you know, gymnastics has been near and dear to my heart and body for most of my life. While dancing has been a relatively new endeavor, it has really taken hold but enough about me. My book is filled with the ups and downs of rigorous training, fighting through injurical pain, the avoidance of drug testing snafu’s and more. Included are some never seen photos from childhood through the present often in ill-fitting gym wear. Buy it, enjoy it and tell your friends. I’ll call you soon!

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I wasn’t thrilled with the photo but I just had to let go

My New Favorite Supermarket Aisle

My recollection of childhood food shopping is that nobody liked it. From the top down it was a hideous task. Dragged along, I had my favorite aisles – cereal, frozen food (ice cream), candy, toys (pathetic ones). With the advent of freshdirect (freshdreck, affectionately Jewishly), I don’t find myself at the supermarket too frequently these days barring the occasional Fairway foray for coffee beans and peppadews. When I found myself at Gristede’s earlier today seeking hot dog buns (don’t judge), I couldn’t keep my eyes off of the aisle title signs. Gripped at aisle 3’s entrance, I knew I had hit a new market high. Search complete – the adult version of my new favorite supermarket aisle. Who needs cereal, ice cream, candy and sad toys when you can revel in the Canned Meat/Fish aisle. Gristede’s – see you tomorrow, Aisle 3.

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Aisle 3 – I’ll be back