Satmar-Hasids Discover Mixed-Martial Arts

Always looking for summer frolics, the Yiddish-speaking sect of Jews colloquially know as the Satmar sect, have recently started engaging in mixed-martial art competitions. The village of Kiryas Joel in upstate New York’s Orange County, has become a veritable hotbed of young fighters who seem to draw strength from the long lineage of famous Jewish boxers of yesteryear. From Moshe the Mauler to Pinchas the Pincher, young boys with high bruisability can be found engaging in strength training two-a-days with morning and afternoon brisket-lifting sessions.  Inter- and intra-haredi competitions with sect-mates from Williamsburg and Borough Park highlight summer Sundays with fathers furiously davening (ardent praying) while mothers forcefully encourage their sons to take the occasional kishke (derma) snack-break usually to no avail. One mother, Chaya, who refused to give her last name, said that she is proud of her little fighter but is nonetheless concerned about blood clots. Additional rules have been implemented which forbid payos-pulling (ritual side-curls) and grabbing of the fringes of the tallit katan (ritual poncho-like, fringed undergarment). Other than that, nothing is sacred.

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Seen coming out of her house is one young mother whose children and grandchildren await

Baseball Announcers Suck at Guessing Pitches

A recent analysis of the accuracy of Major League Baseball announcer’s presumptions as to what pitch was just thrown has found them to be downright awful. “A real crapshoot,” said the lead investigator, Ford Fowling, a former hurler himself. He noted that some announcers claim certain pitches were thrown that are not even in the pitcher’s repertoire which reeks of not doing their homework. With pitch speeds shown on the scoreboard, fastballs are the easiest to correctly identify, although surmising whether it was of the two-seam or four-seam variety, is no better than a coin-toss.  When confronted with these findings, Michael Kay, the Yankee’s cherubic YES Network TV announcer, retorted, “Stop busting my balls. Do you see that fucking traffic on the Deegan?”

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“Looks like he threw the cutter,” bullshitted Michael Kay.

Panel Declares Jewish Knish Extinct

At an emergency meeting of the Yonah Schimmel Memorial Knish Cooperative in Lōdz, Poland, a statement was released stating that “despite the knish renaissance of the early 2000’s, the dough-covered snack is done.” With fillings of traditional potato or buckwheat groats aka kasha, or newer varieties with spinach, cheese or tofu, the knish was originally introduced to the U.S. around the year 1900 with the immigrant craze from Eastern Europe leading the way. Street vendors, butcher shops and dedicated knisheries sold the baked good to hungry ethnics wanting a taste of tradition. “It is a sad day for the knish but we wish continued success to the calzone, the Jamaican beef patty, la empañada and the samosa,” said a spokesperson who kindly acknowledged the knish’s competition through the years while removing what appeared to be a small bit of potato from his lower lip.

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Landmark knishery on NYC’s Lower East Side
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Traditional kasha variety of knish

Crime-Rates Sky-Rocket in Insect World [Warning: Graphic Imagery]

The common housefly, Musca domestica, as we frequently refer to it, has experienced a shocking spate of violent crime within its community. This fly-on-fly villainy hit close to home as I went to clear away what appeared to be a naturally dead musca on my windowsill this morning. Upon further examination, it was abundantly clear that this one did not merely pass of starvation or from inadvertently flying into the window (see image below – GRAPHIC IMAGE). It appeared as though multiple amputations had been performed with surgical precision. The authorities were contacted and the windowsill was immediately declared a crime scene and cordoned off with the thinnest ribbon-like police tape to secure the area.  The identity of the victim has not yet been released pending notification of family members which could be a prolonged process. An autopsy is pending. Anyone with information related to this or any other non-human species-related crime please call FLY-STOPPERS. “These things don’t typically happen around here,” said a neighbor. Not anymore, not anymore.

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The victim with appendages (head pixelated for anonymity)

Starving Man Eats, Vomits, Re-Eats

Upon questioning, a man from Canarsie said that while he was “really, really hungry,” he was not technically “starving.” Nonetheless, with cupboards nearly bare, he proceeded to whip up his famous 5-egged American cheese omelette. “Kraft American cheese because I’m an American, a patriot,” he said proudly. “Nope. Never served,” he whispered. So as a large clump of lightly salted butter was heating in the pan, he violently whisked 5 eggs and some milk in a bowl. “I was a little unsure of the milk. I hadn’t been to the supermarket in awhile and it smelled ok and no chunks,” he noted. Adding,”come to think of it, it was the milk.”  Soon after eating the dish, he reported the urgency “to ralph it up” which he did right back into the pan on the stove (see graphic image below). After the upheaval, he was immediately overcome with intensive hunger again so “I warmed it up a bit and send it back home to papa.” Take-two!

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Between takes

DSM-6 With New Emoji-Related Anxiety Disorders

DSM-6, the newest version of the manifesto of psychiatric maladies, is to be released in the coming months. Sources say that technology-related anxiety disorders represent a significant increase as compared to the previous DSM-5. Specifically, emojis and their use, are viewed as the causative agents in a series of panic and anxiety afflictions. Many of the sufferers tend to be older in age as complaints range from the small size of the emoji to feelings of inadequacy as their younger compatriots are able to reel off a series of emojis in quick succession as the sufferer tries in desperation to reply with just one semi-adequate one. Adding to the confusion, are the various skin-tone options which then lead to self-identifying as a racist and various other identity issues. With the onslaught of new emojis, this disorder is expected to rise in frequency as baby boomers age.  While few controlled studies have been done to date, there is some hope that the newer synthetic opioids may offer some relief.

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Some of the newer emojis – Breastfeeding, Islamophobia and vomiting

MTA To Allow Straphangers to Rapid-Charge Phones on Third Rail

In an attempt to woo disgruntled subway riders, the MTA unveiled a plan that dovetails nicely with their in-station Wifi accessibility. Beginning in early August, riders will be granted access to the third rail of select subway stations to charge their smartphones, tablets and laptops. In an early rollout this week, a few lucky riders were allowed to begin using the service. One gentleman from Sunnyside was stunned, saying, “My phone was on 3% and charged to 100% in 11 seconds. Amazing!” A woman from Williamsburg noted, “It is annoying that I had to remove my piercings, especially, that one.” She pointed to the general vicinity of the now-zipped fly of her pants. While there is general concern about the public being allowed in such close proximity to the high-voltage rail, a spokesperson for the MTA said, “Look. These are New Yorkers. They get it. Besides there is a semi-rotting plank of wood on top of it just in case.”

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He got a little too close to the third rail. He survived but is not quite the same.