Mother Nature Apoplectic Over Harvey

Feigy Boteach, colloquially known as Mother Nature, waited until after sundown this past Shabbos to release a terse statement regarding her youngest, Hurricane Harvey.  “I tried to get away for few days, as is my wont near summer’s end and had to return to this shit!” she exclaimed. “Believe you-me, Harvey has had his issues. Yes, he’s been left alone before if you must know, but this is a shocker. When I was young, oh sure, we made a mess but we cleaned it up! This is not the Harvey I raised.” As the youngest of 9, Harvey, or Chaim (חַיִּים) to his sect, was frequently making mischief with puddling and the like, according to sources. Rumors persist to this day as to Harvey’s paternity given his long white beard and bloated ego.

IMG_1519
Did the solar eclipse make Harvey lose it?
Advertisements

Monsey Man Renounces Judaism While Viewing Stained Glass Windows

“I was overcome, actually,” said Seth Lustig, a previously-Jewish man from Monsey, New York, who urgently converted to Catholicism while taking his daughter Chaya to visit a New England-based college. “They are non-demoninational now, as per the information session we attended, but in the chapel, I saw Him and He spoke to me directly, and I knew what I needed to do.” After the conversion was complete, Mr. Lustig enjoyed a bowl of clam chowder and a lobster roll while his daughter looked on in disgust while eating a piece of gefilte fish. When asked to describe his meal, he smiled wryly and uttered, “Heavenly.” He has yet to tell his wife, his parents or her parents.

fullsizeoutput_126b
If Jewish, do not stare!

Cosby Reveals New Sweater Line and Shemp

Alleged serial rapist Bill Cosby has exposed his new apparel line for the fall/winter season. As his legal woes persist, Cosby refuses to be deterred when it comes to his fashion empire. With a five-month delay until his sexual retrial, Cosby has had plenty of free-time to pursue his fashion interests. With his legal team dropping away, Cosby has hired new lead counsel Shemp Howard to help him get off. Seemingly taking a page from drug kingpin El “Shorty” Chapo, Cosby has hired Shemp, known for his quick wit, sharp legal mind and dapper suit collection.

05COSBYALT-master768
Cosby, in Paris, donning one of his new fall sweaters

“Sam, use your words.”

I had the distinct pleasure of seeing Iron And Wine’s Sam Beam perform a solo show at the intimate Housing Works Bookstore Café in New York City’s Soho district last week. With a nylon-stringed Taylor in his lap, Mr. Beam took audience requests as well as the occasional lyrical helping-hand in this sold-out charity event. His between-song banter, which included a preponderance of well-timed “fucks”, had the audience laughing and engaged with the wild-haired, long-bearded, thin-waisted performer. What puzzled me were a series of photographs of the event as well his performance on CBS’s This Morning – Saturday. It appears as if Sam is sending a not-so-inconspicuous message via his fretting hand’s (left) middle finger. Sam?

fullsizeoutput_125c.jpeg
Sam flips bird to “chatters” in the crowd?
IMG_3474
And to a national audience?

El Chapo’s Hotshot Legal Team To Be Led by Shemp

Mexico’s most famous drug lord, Joaquìn Archivaldo Guzmán Loera, known as “El Chapo” or “Shorty”, due to his staturelessness, has released a news brief revealing his newly assembled legal team. Atop the leaderboard is Samuel Horwitz known to many as “Shemp Howard” or “Shemp” or, to his mother, as “Sam”. Best known for his role as the third stooge in the spectacularly famous and antically Jewish Three Stooges, Shemp has also continued to have a thriving legal career. “Shorty”, the former head of the Sinaloa drug cartel, is known for his escapes of derring-do as well as for his fine fashion sense (see photo below, left). “Shemp” is known for his improvisational skills and his early-career vaudevillian minstrelsy (see photo below, right).

 

fullsizeoutput_1240
A legendary legal and comic mind
IMG_1513
El Chapo and his winter line

 

Percussionists’ Mock Maiming Back In Vogue

As the cave paintings at Lascaux clearly delineate, the concept of the “maiming of the drummers”, due to the incessant racket they produced in quieter times, goes back to the prehistorical era. This notion can also be traced to modernity as well, albeit in a less violent fashion, as families with percussion-minded children in tow flee the cities for more space and a basement in an attempt to alienate said drummer and contain the aural pollution they produce. As seen below, modern percussion ensembles, in an act of respect and deference to their roots as well as to the oft ear-plugged audience, ceremonially “offer their heads” in remembrance.

fullsizeoutput_1237
Drumming is often called “hocking” in Jewish families.

Mister Softee Comes Clean About Hard Times with ED Struggles

In a hastily arranged press conference, Darren Softee, aka Mister Softee, spoke frankly about his penile-erectile dysfunction issues. “The irony of my professional moniker is not lost on me but I’ve always relied on good humor to get me through the difficult times,” said the coned speaker. With the likes of Steve Harvey and Tom Selleck openly discussing the issues they have been with their respective penises, Softee felt compelled to share his story and hopefully destigmatize his perennial flaccidity. “Yes, it’s a bit of, “I’m melting””, a reference to “The Wizard of Oz”‘s the Wicked Witch of the West’s line when doused with water by Dorothy Gale. With the advent of medication and a supportive partner, Softee’s story is a bonafide success.

fullsizeoutput_1234
Mister Softee hard at work