A recent analysis of the accuracy of Major League Baseball announcer’s presumptions as to what pitch was just thrown has found them to be downright awful. “A real crapshoot,” said the lead investigator, Ford Fowling, a former hurler himself. He noted that some announcers claim certain pitches were thrown that are not even in the pitcher’s repertoire which reeks of not doing their homework. With pitch speeds shown on the scoreboard, fastballs are the easiest to correctly identify, although surmising whether it was of the two-seam or four-seam variety, is no better than a coin-toss. When confronted with these findings, Michael Kay, the Yankee’s cherubic YES Network TV announcer, retorted, “Stop busting my balls. Do you see that fucking traffic on the Deegan?”
Performance-enhancers, slow game-play, high ticket prices, trough-like urination basins, replay delays, juiced balls – hardly a complete list of complaints oft-lodged at M.L.B. and America’s Pastime. Yet flying below the radar gun, until now, is the issue of unpadded electrical boxes scattered around the periphery of baseball stadia. Dustin Fowler, the Yankee rookie, in his first major league game, “collided” with said box, resulting in a season-ending patellar-tendon knee injury. This is just another example of “egregiously” unsafe playing conditions that members are subjected to said a representative from the M.L.B.P.A. (you can look it up). There was also overarching concern if he had used the term “egregiously” correctly. An investigation lead by the T.S.A. (Fowler was technically airborne just as his tendon was mid-rupture) is one of many conducted over the last several major league seasons. An anonymous source says that T.S.A. resources are stretched “so thin” now that an injunction is being sought to force the M.L.B to pad these junction boxes immediately. M.L.B. officials have refused to comment for this article but five dogs outside of the M.L.B. offices in midtown urinated profusely in disgust.