Inside Look: MTA’s Gestapo Techniques to Lower Ridership

New York’s Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA), under a barrage of criticism and with a list of long-overdue reparations, has taken a page from the Nazi-era playbook. With conductors newly empowered to close doors on unsuspecting riders under Joe Lhota’s stewardship, area emergency department (ED) visits for arm and elbow injuries have skyrocketed. “Fuck that, I’ll walk,” said one arm-slinged former MTA patron who suffered an ulna fracture on the new Second Avenue Q line when doors slammed shut during a particularly frenzied morning rush late last week. “Looked me right in the eye, snickered and shut those motherfuckin’ doors on my arm,” she added referring to the fourth-car conductor that morning. Repeated inquiries made to the MTA have gone repeatedly unanswered. On the subways lines with particularly high Jewish ridership (1, 2, 3, B, C – Broadway, Central Park West (CPW) Upper West Side (UWS)), incoherent overhead announcements with a distinct German lilt blare throughout the day scaring off the mostly elderly subset of riders. “Hits too close to home,” said the aged Sylvia N., refusing to give her full name for fear of reprisal. “Access-A-Ride is terrible,” she added in a thick Hebraic accent, “but at least it doesn’t feel like 1943. I’m waiting for them right now. They’re late. I am never late.”

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Target practice on the Q
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With Nazi-era audio blaring, riders scamper to the safety of ground-level
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MTA To Allow Straphangers to Rapid-Charge Phones on Third Rail

In an attempt to woo disgruntled subway riders, the MTA unveiled a plan that dovetails nicely with their in-station Wifi accessibility. Beginning in early August, riders will be granted access to the third rail of select subway stations to charge their smartphones, tablets and laptops. In an early rollout this week, a few lucky riders were allowed to begin using the service. One gentleman from Sunnyside was stunned, saying, “My phone was on 3% and charged to 100% in 11 seconds. Amazing!” A woman from Williamsburg noted, “It is annoying that I had to remove my piercings, especially, that one.” She pointed to the general vicinity of the now-zipped fly of her pants. While there is general concern about the public being allowed in such close proximity to the high-voltage rail, a spokesperson for the MTA said, “Look. These are New Yorkers. They get it. Besides there is a semi-rotting plank of wood on top of it just in case.”

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He got a little too close to the third rail. He survived but is not quite the same.